Do you ever find yourself repeating the same argument or frustrating pattern with someone, again and again, and wonder what the heck is going on and how you can, once and for all, get out of it?

Sportscasting is one of the most useful techniques to address and manage difficult and challenging dynamics and behaviour – for both adults and children! – that you’ve probably never heard of…

What Is Sportscasting?

My version of sportscasting is adapted and developed from Janet Lansbury’s technique to help describe the nonjudgmental, “just the facts” verbalization of events she advised parents to use to support infants and toddlers as they struggle to develop new skills.

Never mind the toddlers, sportscasting can, in fact, be used in a far wider range of circumstances and situations…

…In arguments and disagreements where it’s not always clear what the intentions, motivations and triggers are behind what someone’s saying and why e.g. When you spiral into the same old argument with a partner/parent, with each of you defending your corner and totally blind to the other person’s perspective.

…When challenging violent, aggressive and random behaviour that appears out of proportion to something that’s happened e.g. When your child lashes out at being told ‘no’ to the smallest of things which doesn’t seem like a massive deal to you, but results in out-of-control behaviour.

…When facing passive aggressive responses that don’t directly address what’s actually happening in an interaction or exchange e.g. A colleague who constantly makes snide, unhelpful or derogatory remarks designed to belittle or humiliate you in an indirect way.

Sportscasting is a valuable way to get underneath any unconscious, game-playing devices or indirect, passive aggressive ways of communicating because it brings out the pattern into the open, puts a name to it, and allows both parties to address what’s actually happening in the dynamic between them from a place of conscious awareness.

Being able to verbalise what might actually be going on under the surface, on behalf of someone who can’t yet express it themselves, is a powerful way to step out of that pattern, especially for children.

Why It Works

It’s hard, in the heat of a moment, to maintain a clear head, especially if you’ve been triggered. It’s also hard to hear and understand what’s actually being said when the words sometimes don’t appear to make sense or don’t match your sense of what’s actually going on.

Stepping into sportscasting mode allows you to instantly and immediately step out of the drama, get yourself into a more adult space, and observe what’s happening as a more passive onlooker, than get sucked into a back-and-forth, emotionally-charged exchange which does nobody any good.

It allows you to look beneath the surface of what’s being said, to understand what’s actually going on, and empowers you to see things from a different (their) perspective and why they’re behaving and responding as they are, because you begin to understand where it’s coming from.

How Do You Do It?

To begin sportscasting, there’s a process you can use…

Step 1: Observe and verbally reflect back your experience of their behaviour.

Step 2: Identify what triggered the behaviour in the first place.

Step 3: Identify and encourage verbal expression of the emotion/feeling being displayed.

Step 4: Provide space for discussion to take place.

Let’s break it down…

“You’re hitting your sister [reflect back the behaviour that’s currently occurring]. Is it because you’re cross she didn’t share her sweets with you [identify the triggering incident] and you feel angry, hurt and rejected by that? [Observe and reflect back what emotion seems to be driving the behaviour].  Is that how you feel?” [Provide an opportunity and space for them to confirm or correct what’s going on for them; note the more you do this, especially with children, the more able they become to observe and express this for themselves].

“You’re calling me names and being mean to me [reflect back the behaviour that’s occurring]. Is it because you really wanted to have sex last night [identify the triggering incident], but felt rejected when I fell asleep? [Observe and reflect back the emotion you suspect was triggered]. [Frame it as a question to give them space to confirm or correct what’s going on for them, or explore it with you from a less emotional, less triggered space, if they choose to].

“You’re criticising what we decided to do [reflect back the behaviour that’s occurring]. Is it because you felt left out of your son’s birthday party [identify the triggering incident] and feel hurt and scared that you’re missing out on important bits of his life? [Observe and reflect back the emotions that may have been triggered]. Is that what’s happening?” [Provide an opportunity and space for them to confirm or correct what’s going on for them, or explore it with you from a less emotional, less triggered space, if they choose to].

“You’re shouting at me and using angry, offensive language [reflect back the behaviour that’s occurring]. Is it because I’m not agreeing with you and taking your advice [identify the underlying belief that may have driven the behaviour], and you feel angry and unheard [observe and reflect back the emotion that was triggered]? Do you experience that as a rejection?” [Provide an opportunity and space for them to confirm or correct what’s going on for them, or explore it with you from a less emotional, less triggered space, if they choose to]. 

How To Make Sportscasting Work For You

The art of sportscasting takes practice; it can be even more powerful when you know what someone’s core narrative is and what their default patterns are, because this allows you to understand their behaviour and reflect it back to them.

For example, one of my daughter’s core narratives is that we had her younger brother because she wasn’t a ‘good enough’ child so we had to have another one (😱). Knowing this means that when she’s triggered and decides to be absolutely beastly to him for a minor infraction, we can sportscast her extreme reaction…

“Even though you think your brother’s the favourite and we had him because you weren’t good enough, that’s your story. It’s not our truth. And it doesn’t mean it’s ok to kick him hard in the stomach just because he accidentally knocked your drink over“.

If you don’t know someone’s default patterns and narratives, Brené Brown has an excellent approach to understanding what may be some of these age-old, default patterns and narratives. Simply ask: “What’s the story you’re telling yourself?“

Using A Simplified Version of Sportscasting

The trick here is to sportscast the behaviour you’re experiencing and then ask a direct question to be answered, which creates space for constructive and open dialogue instead of mudslinging or further game playing…

• “It sounds like you’re really angry at me for changing this filing system; what could I have done differently to make it work better for you too?”
• “It sounds like you’re frustrated by the lack of progress; is there something that’d help you to feel more ok with the process?”
• “It feels like you’re really upset by something I’ve done; can you tell me what that is?”
• “It feels like you really want to control what I do; can we talk about why that is and how that feels for each of us?”

One of the most valuable benefits of using sportscasting is that it empowers you to step out of a drama-fuelled, emotional state and back into a more adult, observing state giving the dynamic some of its balance back.

 Give it a whirl and see how it works for you (it takes practice, so keep at it)…

The art of effective communication is to understand that very often the words you hear aren’t what’s really being said or meant!

It’s the kind of person who appears perfectly nice, friendly and even seems to go out of their way to help you, but then stabs you in the back at the first opportunity, WTH?

It’s the same old argument, on repeat, with your other half that never changes and always ends up unresolved.

It’s that old familiar feeling of being treated like a small child yet again when your mother/father expresses concern or an opinion about something you’ve done or a decision you’ve made which you were perfectly ok with until they opened their mouth.

If you frequently find yourself in a situation that feels familiar – the same old argument, the same feelings of resentment, the same feelings of humiliation and shame – it can help to take a step back and figure out what’s really being said. 

[And if you’re not sure, ask! “It sounds like you’re saying you think I’ve made a really stupid decision, is that what you mean? Or what do you mean?”]

We each get into default patterns of (not) addressing situations in our life as they happen and instead, we keep quiet and then quietly seethe away in the background!

There’s an easier way and it involves, direct, head-on communication; this doesn’t have to be confrontational, angry or unpleasant; in fact, it can be liberating, connecting and said with love and positive intentions. 

Though if the latter is still a step too far, let’s just start with DIRECT, shall we?! Here are a few examples – let’s call them scripts – of how to be more direct in your communication when it comes to key flashpoints in your life, that’d usually be the start of an argument or period of sulky silence and simmering resentment!

Difficult Colleague? Try this…

“Things feel really difficult between us. I’d love to find a way to work things out so we’re both happier, how could we do that?”

Difficult Child? Try this…

“It sounds like you’re really angry about something. Do you know what it is you’re angry about?”

Difficult Parent? Try this…

Want to step out from the shadows and symbiosis of a parent who insists on doing things for you even though you’re now an adult, but don’t want them to be offended at your desire for independence: Instead of “Just leave me alone and let me do it on my own for once ffs”

Difficult Co-Parent? Try this…

“Is that the kind of model you want to provide for your own kids? For them to have a role model of a man who refuses to parent equally or contribute more than financially to the successful and happy running of a household? Would you want your daughters to choose a man who expects that from them, and nothing more?”